I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
