alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm having to shit out rocks
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
