im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
