I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
