I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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