We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
