When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
