I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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