I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
