his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
