There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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