yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
