Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
