then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
