I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
