i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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