I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
cat food counts as protein by the way
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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