quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
