why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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