i need an iv and a liver transplant
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
