I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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