I must be too annoying 4 u.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
