I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
