when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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