I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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