Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
