eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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