Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
