and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
