I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
