I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
