Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
