I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
