I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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