i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
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I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something