My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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