Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
