Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
