well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
