He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
