my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
