I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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