Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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