First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
