remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
