I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
