There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
