You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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