Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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