does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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