I cannot find my penis.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
