ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
