if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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