Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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