I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
