there's paper in my vomit.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
