Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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