There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
