True but thats because hes a fetus.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.