I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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