i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
