Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
